


I'm sorry...

by bettyparker



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, post 2x18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 06:34:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11708835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bettyparker/pseuds/bettyparker
Summary: The aftermath of the break up. Can they work it out?





	I'm sorry...

After Magnus leaves, Alec doesn’t move. He can’t breathe. He stares at the elevator’s doors, his hand still outstretched as if he could actually bring Magnus back. But he’s not coming back and it’s his fault for lying to Magnus. He doesn’t know how he got back to his room. He can’t focus on anything. Like the world tilted out of its axis and now everything is wrong. He locks the door and slides down the wall and finally allows himself to cry. Because it hurts. He lost the most important person in his life. Shadowhunters only fall in love once. And Alec managed to make a mess out of that too. He cries for hours, until he has no more tears to shed. By then his throat is hoarse and his back is stiff from sitting on the cold floor. He wipes his tears and goes to the bathroom to wash his face. After he splashes some water on his face he raises his head and takes in his appearance. His eyes are bloodshot and tired, there are tear tracks on his face and his lips are bleeding from where he bit them while crying. He looks at himself and thinks of one thing: pathetic. He doesn’t look like the Head of the Institute. He looks like a pathetic, heartbroken guy. Alec used to think his emotions for Magnus made him stronger. Now he thinks he’s been a fool. Magnus always told him that he could have everything. That he could be a leader, a shadowhunter and still have what he wants most. Still have Magnus. But today Magnus proved the opposite. The High Warlock of Brooklyn told him that he couldn’t do it, after being alive for centuries and living through wars. Alec wonders if they ever stood a chance.

He shakes himself and makes a resolution. He will allow himself today to grieve. Because Magnus was – is – the love of his life. But Magnus made his choice very clear, and it wasn’t him. Alec supposes he should’ve seen it coming. So he promises himself that he will do the same. He will be a leader, a shadowhunter. After all, emotions are nothing but a distraction.

* * *

 

The next few days were tough. The search for Valentine and Jonathan kept going and Alec focused on that. He found out day from Izzy that Magnus had turned down the Seelie Queen. She seemed happy. Alec knew that it didn’t matter. He told her as much.

“It’s none of our business, Izzy. That’s downworlder business. It’s time everyone focused on their own people.”

Izzy flinched and he heard Jace gasp somewhere behind her but he waved them off. They had no time for that. What was done was done. Meetings with the representative of the downworld were the hardest. Alec had to sit through hours of tactical talk while he avoided looking at the warlock. He was cold, methodical and people noticed. Luke gave them strange looks. But Magnus was doing his best to avoid him too, so Alec brushed everyone off as they tried to talk to him about the matter. That was until Jace cornered him.

“Alec what is going on with you?”

Alec keeps his face impassive and wishes he could leave.

“Nothing.”

Jace crosses his hands on his chest and raises an eyebrow.

“Wanna try that again? Remember that we’re parabatai, what you feel, I feel, and this, this is most definitely not nothing.”

All the fight leaves Alec and his shoulders sag. He looks away before whispering.

“Magnus broke up with me.” Jace opens his mouth but Alec shakes his head. “I lied to him about the Soul Sword and he found out. After we found out Max was okay, he uhh, he told me that I was standing in the way of his decisions, that he couldn’t be a leader and be with me.”

Jace looks shocked but after a moment he pulls Alec in a bone crushing hug. They break away after a few minutes and Alec feels slightly better.

“Look, this has been hard for all of us. I’m sure that Magnus is just overwhelmed. You did what you thought was best in a difficult situation.  After this is over he will come around. You will work it out.”

Alec shakes his head but doesn’t say anything. There’s no point. Magnus was right to do what he did. It was Alec’s fault but maybe it served as a wake up call. They’ve been fools to think they could defeat all odds and be together. In the end reality set in and there was nothing Alec could do about it, even if the world without Magnus seemed all wrong.

A week later they are all preparing for battle. Clary is telling everyone that she has a rune that could help them all, but they have to pair up. The shadowhunters look hesitant. Alec sighs and steps forward.

“This war has gone on for too long. We need to put an end to it. Too many people have died. If this is the way to defeat Valentine and Jonathan Morgenstern, then we must do it.”

The shadowhunters still look hesitant but they nod in confirmation. Magnus steps up next to him.

“I agree. This has got to stop.”

There’s chaos for the next few seconds until Clary finally breaks it.

“Alec, maybe you should go first. You are the Head of the Institute. They will follow you. Who will you partner up with?”

Even though she asks, she’s already looking at Magnus who doesn’t even hesitate to step next to Alec.

“I’ll do it. If that’s alright with you?”

Alec just nods. The roar dies down and in the end everybody agrees to get the rune. Jace watches him, and Alec can see that he’s wondering if he’s okay with the situation but Alec just nods at him. He wants it to be over.

The battle is long and hard. He battles demons with Magnus at his side and it’s so painfully familiar that his chest starts aching. He turns just in time to see a circle member charging at Magnus. Without hesitation, Alec lounges at him and kills him but not before the guy manages to make a deep cut on his shooting arm. Alec curses internally and drops his bow, pulling put his seraph blade. It hurts to fight but he pushes forward. After another hour or so, Alec stabs another demon and looks around them. The battlefield is a massacre and everybody is exhausted but it seems like the fight is done. He spots Magnus somewhere hear, helping a shadowhunter. Izzy is farther away but he can see that she only has a few cuts and bruises. He turns then and starts searching for Clary and Jace. He spots Jace after a minute, running towards them. He smiles and stops next to Izzy. He nods at him and Alec feels the tension leave his body. They’re dead. It’s over.

They get everybody to the Institute. Most of them got out alive. There are fewer casualties than Alec anticipated. It’s a small win. His hand is still bleeding and he feels a little dizzy from the blood loss. He leans on the wall of the empty hallway and just breathes. He feels a hand on his shoulder and his eyes snap open. He doesn’t know when he closed them. Magnus is there, staring at him. Alec’s heart flips before he remembers himself and he steps away. Hurt flashes in Magnus’s eyes before it’s replaced with concern when they land on the blood on Alec’s arm.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were injured? Here, let me heal it.”

He starts reaching for him but Alec just shakes his head and takes another step back.

“Don’t worry about it. You shouldn’t waste anymore of your magic. It’s nothing an iratze won’t heal.”

Magnus frowns but drops his hand. Alec straightens his shoulders and tries not to show how much he wants to hug Magnus and make sure he’s alright.

“Did you want something?”

Magnus looks away and Alec curses himself for snapping at him.

“I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Are your people well?”

Alec chose his words very carefully. He’s making a jab at him, but he can’t help it. He’s exhausted and hurt and his heart aches just by looking at Magnus. The flinch that follows his words brings Alec no joy, it just makes him feel more awful.

 

“Yes, well, most of them. Listen, Alexander, what I said before–”

“Don’t. I get it. I hurt you, I screwed up. I lied and that’s on me. And I can’t ever tell you how sorry I am about that. But you were right. We can’t have both. You made your choice. And I don’t blame you for making it.”

He turns to leave but stops at the last second. He takes a look at Magnus and tries to embed it into his memory. Because even tired, dirty and sad, Magnus is still the most beautiful person Alec’s ever seen. A bitter laugh escapes him and it startles Magnus.

“Sorry it’s just, you’re such a hypocrite.” Magnus flinches, his mouth opens but the anger keeps Alec going. “You always told me that there was more to me than just a shadowhunter. You told me that I could be a leader, a worrior and still have what I want. And then you go and prove me the exact opposite. You lied to me, told me not to push you away and then you did just that. It’s funny, isn’t it? I thought I meant to you just as much as you meant to me. Guess it was just me, then.”

Magnus looks devastated, tears are streaming down his face.

“A-Alexander, please don’t-”

“No, Mags. I-I understand. It’s okay. You don’t have to feel the same, but you should’ve told me.”

Magnus shakes his head, more tears fall. Alec feels his heart breaking again.

“Shadowhunters only fall in love once.” He looks into those gorgeous eyes and Alec feels tears gathering in the corner of his eyes. “I love you. Not that it changes anything.”

Magnus keeps shaking his head but when he reaches out Alec just closes his eyes tightly and turns.

“See you around, Magnus.”

He leaves and he thinks that he’s never felt so empty. He wants to run back to Magnus, to tell him that he’ll take anything the warlock will give him, to beg Magnus to try to love him at least half as much as Alec loves him, but he doesn’t. Magnus deserves better.

 

A few days later after the dust is settled, Alec still feels numb. He closes himself off. He trains and pushes himself past his limits. He trains until his knuckle are bleeding. The pain keeps him grounded. He goes to his room and realizes that most of his gear is still at Magnus’s loft. He sighs. He contemplates just leaving it but he has a few special arrows there that he needs. He decides to go, just rip off the band aid. Magnus probably won’t be there anyway.

When he reaches the door he hesitates. He still has the key to the loft. He knocks instead. Nobody comes after two minutes and Alec sighs and just pulls out the key and unlocks the door. The loft is so familiar that Alec wants to cry. He grits his teeth and moves on. His things should be in the bedroom. He’ll get them, and then he’ll leave. He puts the key on the coffee table and enters the bedroom and freezes. There in the middle of the bed, wearing his green sweater is Magnus. Who is crying. Alec doesn’t know what to do. He didn’t plan on seeing him. He takes a step back, hoping Magnus won’t see him. But suddenly Magnus is looking at him and Alec has to supress a gasp. The usually composed warlock is a mess. His eyes are red and puffy, his hair is a mess and his make up is running all over his face. Magnus looks at him in disbelief and Alec is torn between running and hugging the warlock and never letting him go. He doesn’t move to do either.

“Al-Alexander?”

Magnus’s voice is barely above a whisper, as if he’s afraid that if he speaks louder Alec will disappear. Alec feels a knot in his throat but he swallows around it.

“Sorry, I didn’t, I uhh thought you wouldn’t be home. I just came to grab my things…I’ll just go, come another time, uhh I’m sorry..”

Alec turns to go but before he can blink Magnus shoots off the bed and grabs his wrist, stopping Alec mid-turn. He slowly turn to look at Magnus and he wishes he hadn’t. The warlock is gripping his hand like a lifeline, fresh tears are running down his face, and he grabs Alec’s shirt desperately with the other hand.

“Pl-please, don’t…Don’t go. Please Alexander, don’t leave me.”

Alec feels Magnus going weak and he reaches out just in time to catch the warlock. Just as Alec grabs him around the waist, Magnus starts to sob harder, burying his face into Alec’s shirt. Alec is stunned for a second but then he shakes himself out of his stupor and picks Magnus up and goes to place him on the bed. Alec lays down with him, unable to move due to Magnus clutching at him. He rocks him back and forward and he doesn’t know what else to do. After what feels like hours Magnus calms down and Alec gives a sigh of relief. There are tears on his face too and he quickly wipes them away. The move makes Magnus lean back but he doesn’t let go of Alec’s shirt.

“I’m so sorry, Alexander. I was such a fool. I was angry because you lied and the Seelie Queen took advantage of that. I swear, leaving you was the hardest thing I had to do. I regretted it immediately but there was no time to go back. I’m really sorry, darling. Please forgive me.”

Alec is shocked. No, this was all his fault. Magnus deserved better. Unnerved by the silence Magnus continued.

“The Queen made me think that I had to choose between you and my people. I was so wrong, Alec. I’m so sorry. I understand why you didn’t tell me. I wanted to tell you but it was never the time, and then you were telling me that you didn’t think that I loved you and I knew I made a grave mistake by not making it right between us.” Alec knows he’s crying but he can’t move. He doesn’t believe what’s happening. This must be a dream. Magnus is crying silent tears again but he just keeps talking, praying that the truth isn’t coming too late. “But I swear to you, angel, I love you more than I ever thought was possible to love anyone. I was wrong, I was so, so wrong. I just want you. If you want me to, I will give up on it, I won’t be the High Warlock anymore. I just want you. Please, Alexander. Don’t leave me. I love you, so much. Please.”

Alec can’t hear anymore. He pulls Magnus into a hug and wonders what he ever did to deserve such a wonderful being.

“Shh, love. It’s alright. I’m sorry too. I should’ve told you. We both made mistakes. But I love you too.” Magnus pulls away, his expression hopeful. Alec cups his face and looks into his unglamoured eyes. “And you don’t have to give up anything. I love you, High Warlock and all. I’m sorry for what I said before.”

They hug for a few minutes, and then Alec wipes away his tears. He kisses Magnus’s forehead and untangles himself from him. Magnus grabs his hand desperately and whimpers.

“Alexander, please don’t go.”

“I’m not leaving, I’ll be back in a few seconds I promise.”

He gives Magnus a peck before leaving. He shoots a quick text to Jace, telling him he’ll be staying with Magnus before going to the bathroom and grabbing the make up wipes. He returns to a tired Magnus and smiles before wiping away the mess on his face. After that’s done, he pulls off his jacket and boots and climb in bed with Magnus, making him lie down. Magnus puts his head on his chest and looks up at Alec.

“So, we’re okay, right?”

His voice is hesitant but hopeful. Alec smiles and kisses him. He missed his warlock so much.

“Yeah, Mags. We’re okay. We’ll always be okay.”

“I love you Alexander, so so much.”

“I love you too. Sleep now, love. We can talk in the morning.”

Magnus lays his head down and falls asleep shortly and Alec smiles, feeling like the world turned back on his axis, finally. Yeah, they’ll be okay.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys like it. I have too many feels after the episode.


End file.
